And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
