Swine flu is the new snow day.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
