Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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