I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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