i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
