ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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