He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
