Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
