Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
