I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
