shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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