whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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