I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
