so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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