Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
