i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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