I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
