he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
