At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
