I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
