look no pants
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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