i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
