I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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