i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
