My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
