I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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