i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
