so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
3pm strippers are depressing
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
