I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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