EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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