a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
