You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
