i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
