I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
