so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
