I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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