We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
