i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
