Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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