u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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