Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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