Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
