I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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