Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
