i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
