Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
