First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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