Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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