my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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