Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
