I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My ATM looks so different sober.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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