ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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